A September evening in 2020 found me sitting in my vehicle pouring my heart out to a friend. Someone needed to know I had relapsed, and the 'Titus 2' woman I had asked to be my mentor just nine months prior seemed as good a choice as anyone. Her question was, “how can I best support you through this?”.
I have been on both sides of the aisle, the friend who is asking a friend for support and the friend needing to support another friend as they walk through their own eating disorder. While there are no cookie cutter approaches, each disorder is different, there are some foundational things we can do and not do in order to support our friend.
For the sake of ending things on a positive note, let's first discuss what we should avoid doing.
1). Do not minimize your friend’s condition.
No one in the history of people likes to hear the words "oh its not that bad" when being vulnerable and opening up about their problems. Please DO NOT minimize your friend’s problem or begin to play hardship Olympics with them. In the moment it does not matter that your third cousin had an eating disorder so severe she ended up in the hospital twice. Not only is this a good way to ostracize your friend, it slams shut the door of safety they felt with you.
Another consideration here is that eating disorders in their very nature are incredibly competitive. Your friend may hear about your cousin and suddenly have a desire to become even more sick, so that she too can end up in the hospital. The voice of disordered eating is cruel and relentless. Do not add fuel to its fire.
2). Do not try to relate if you have no experience with an eating disorder.
It may be tempting to share with your friend how you skipped a meal last week because you were not feeling hungry at the time, but again, this is not helpful. It goes back into minimizing your friend’s story and the likelihood of her opening up to you again plummets.
Just as you would not complain of a paper cut to a friend who recently broke their arm, skipping one meal is not the same as a full- blown eating disorder. Your role is to do what you can to keep the lines of communication open and healthy. In this season your friend needs the focus to be on them and their story.
3). Do not ask triggering questions.
Unless you have a very good reason to know, it does not matter how many calories your friend is eating, how often they exercise or how much they weigh (or plan on loosing). Asking someone these types of questions immediately raises red flags within their minds as their disorder tells them that they are not sick enough. Not everyone with an eating disorder is severely underweight, though that is the goal. You do not want to be responsible for asking what seemed to you to be an innocent question, only to find out that your probing made your friend drop their calories even lower or pick up more exercise.
The chances your friend logically knows what they are doing is not healthy are also pretty high. The amount of guilt they are carrying because of how their disorder is affecting their loved ones can be crushing to them, asking in-depth questions (again, unless you have a very legitimate reason for needing to know) plays a role in adding to this guilt. In the disordered mind, eating 800 calories is far less damaging to one’s family than eating only 400 calories.
4). Do not try to save your friend.
...Say what? Yes, the truth is when we have a loved one who is walking through hardship it can be very easy to slip into a 'savior complex' and want to do everything you possibly can to help and save your friend. No one enjoys watching a loved one suffer. But, the truth is you are not enough to save your friend and will very likely burn yourself out by trying. Jesus is the only one capable of salvation and your friend must be willing.
You can, and should, surely do what you feel able to support your friend as you pray for them through their journey, but again the decision has to be their own.
These mistakes are easy to make when trying to help someone and I want to encourage you that, if you've done any or all of these things, not all hope is lost. You’re a wonderful friend for having the desire to help your friend through their disorder.
Now, let's turn our focus to what we can do when helping a friend through their eating disorder. 1). Be as open as possible.
By this I mean to be vulnerable with your own story. Perhaps you have never had an eating disorder but the Lord has more than likely freed you from another hurt, habit or hangup. Share this with your friend! In this season it's imperative your friend hears that she is not alone in struggling and also that God has an amazing track record for redemption! Do not be afraid to be vulnerable. The realization that you've shared your entire story with someone and they have never told you areas where they've gone astray is a hard one to bear. We need to be in an ‘iron sharpening iron’ relationship with people. Sharing your struggle does not in any way need to take away from your friend.
2). Speak Jesus.
Charity Gale wrote the song "Speak Jesus" as a way of encouraging those with anxiety, addictions, hopelessness and fear. The name of Jesus is powerful. So powerful in fact that demons run and hide at its very mention. Don't be shy in speaking Jesus over your friend’s story-even if they are not yet a believer or not yet in a place where they are even ready to accept Him. Now, obviously you want to do this carefully; it is love that draws people to repentance, not fear.
Offer to get together with your friend to read the Bible or to pray. Lead by example as you continue to walk with the Lord. Remember, you cannot save or heal your friend; but Jesus can!!
3). Learn all you can.
Eating disorders can be an isolating experience because unless someone has recovered themselves or had someone else in their lives with a disorder, not much is known about them. Be willing to learn! The statistics say that as many as one in four women have an eating disorder. It's time we do what we can to learn about this illness so that we can fight back. Don't be afraid to ask your friend questions and let them know you want to better understand what they are facing. Be judicious in what sources you take your information from. First-hand experience is often much better than textbook knowledge, for example.
Letting your friend know you are curious about eating disorders and want to learn more will serve to encourage them and have them feel like someone truly cares.
4). Be a safe place.
This last bit of advice should go without saying, but please be a safe place for your friend or loved one. If they have come to you then they trust you, and in the world of eating disorders that's a big deal! Create a space that is safe and welcoming. Do not judge or place blame. The eating disorder is not your fault (some may think they could have been a better friend), nor is it theirs. It just is. Allow your friend the space she needs to heal.
It is my sincere hope this article has enabled you to feel a little more prepared for walking alongside someone who is experiencing an eating disorder. Thank you for being willing to help support your friend or loved one-you are acting as the hands and feet of Jesus and are a blessing untold!
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